Just an odd thought...I tend to feel like the hero of my own story. Everybody's against me, but by God they're stupid and wrong, and I have to make sure they know they can't get one over on ole Rick. I wasn't born yesterday. I may not always be right, sure, but I know what's right for me, and ain't nobody in this world is gonna take me for a ride.
But after a while I have to ask myself: am I the hero here, or just a villain?
This was all brought on by my night job, washing dishes at a bar in Lansing. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I suppose if you're used to that sort of thing, it's a pretty damn good job, good pay, etc...but I'm ambitious and frustrated. Cleaning up other people's messes makes me irritable. It's a mix of lonely solitude interrupted by annoyance, spiked through with the paranoia that somebody else is making me do their job. For a while it was okay because I got along with everyone, but we just had a rash of firings, and now all these new people are scurrying around, getting in my way, and generally being friendly, which is a big no-no. Why does everything have to change, just when I got used to it?
Added to this is the general demoralization in the kitchen. Most of us "veterans" (i.e., more than 6 months employed) are looking around for new jobs. None of us feels adequately compensated. The new cooks stop working when they feel like it. The wait staff acts like we owe them a favor. The boss doesn't seem to have the time to take care of business. Thanks to the "veterans", things seem to run okay, but there's such a huge strain. The stress is massive.
Consequently, I've become real sullen and passive-aggressive, always looking for an excuse to treat the new people with contempt. For the longest time I justified it, telling myself they needed to learn the ropes, you can't buddy up to the greenhorns, they need to conform themselves to my moods. Honestly, being mean is exhausting - I'm naturally a pretty happy guy, I like to trust people, but I keep getting the idea they're trying to put one over on me. The wait staff will rush in and leave the silverware with nary a backward glance, like they're busy as all get-out, but when I walk up front they're standing around talking. Meanwhile I'm up to my elbows in shit. Now I'm exhausted all the time. I'm putting on weight. Even the bags under my eyes have bags. I get home at two a.m. or whenever and just crash out. The only thing that keeps me going some nights is the thought of a cigarette at the end of my shift, back home on my porch.
So there's the reasons. It's making me subtly crazy - paranoid. All these people are just damn loafers, I'm the only one who even pretends to give a shit, etc. so on and so forth. And I've realized I need to do something about this resentment, otherwise it's going to eat me up. How can I get mad that no one's talking to me if I'm acting like I'll bite the next person who opens their mouth?
I'm slowly beginning to see that maybe I'm not the hero. Maybe I'm a villain. Maybe that's how you make a villain: give a reasonably good person an excuse to be resentful and angry all the time, to the point where he sabotages himself and everyone around him. Mostly I'm just hurting myself, of course, but there's still every reason in the world to break this cycle of resentful bullshit. Maybe if I try being a little friendlier, I might get better results from my coworkers.
Anyway, just a quick rant. I'm looking for another job anyways. As things stand, I'll be able to save up enough dough to relocate, if I need to. In the meantime, pity the poor Villain: he didn't start out that way.
Rick Out.
But after a while I have to ask myself: am I the hero here, or just a villain?
This was all brought on by my night job, washing dishes at a bar in Lansing. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I suppose if you're used to that sort of thing, it's a pretty damn good job, good pay, etc...but I'm ambitious and frustrated. Cleaning up other people's messes makes me irritable. It's a mix of lonely solitude interrupted by annoyance, spiked through with the paranoia that somebody else is making me do their job. For a while it was okay because I got along with everyone, but we just had a rash of firings, and now all these new people are scurrying around, getting in my way, and generally being friendly, which is a big no-no. Why does everything have to change, just when I got used to it?
Added to this is the general demoralization in the kitchen. Most of us "veterans" (i.e., more than 6 months employed) are looking around for new jobs. None of us feels adequately compensated. The new cooks stop working when they feel like it. The wait staff acts like we owe them a favor. The boss doesn't seem to have the time to take care of business. Thanks to the "veterans", things seem to run okay, but there's such a huge strain. The stress is massive.
Consequently, I've become real sullen and passive-aggressive, always looking for an excuse to treat the new people with contempt. For the longest time I justified it, telling myself they needed to learn the ropes, you can't buddy up to the greenhorns, they need to conform themselves to my moods. Honestly, being mean is exhausting - I'm naturally a pretty happy guy, I like to trust people, but I keep getting the idea they're trying to put one over on me. The wait staff will rush in and leave the silverware with nary a backward glance, like they're busy as all get-out, but when I walk up front they're standing around talking. Meanwhile I'm up to my elbows in shit. Now I'm exhausted all the time. I'm putting on weight. Even the bags under my eyes have bags. I get home at two a.m. or whenever and just crash out. The only thing that keeps me going some nights is the thought of a cigarette at the end of my shift, back home on my porch.
So there's the reasons. It's making me subtly crazy - paranoid. All these people are just damn loafers, I'm the only one who even pretends to give a shit, etc. so on and so forth. And I've realized I need to do something about this resentment, otherwise it's going to eat me up. How can I get mad that no one's talking to me if I'm acting like I'll bite the next person who opens their mouth?
I'm slowly beginning to see that maybe I'm not the hero. Maybe I'm a villain. Maybe that's how you make a villain: give a reasonably good person an excuse to be resentful and angry all the time, to the point where he sabotages himself and everyone around him. Mostly I'm just hurting myself, of course, but there's still every reason in the world to break this cycle of resentful bullshit. Maybe if I try being a little friendlier, I might get better results from my coworkers.
Anyway, just a quick rant. I'm looking for another job anyways. As things stand, I'll be able to save up enough dough to relocate, if I need to. In the meantime, pity the poor Villain: he didn't start out that way.
Rick Out.
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