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| Pictured: A Weary Sigh. |
A few predictions: large rubbery-looking things will scream at each other; the rubberiest, screamiest, most epileptic one that opens its mouth the widest and with the most CGI drool-strings wins the Raddest Dino contest. There will be more eeeevil-eyed, crocodilian theropods with gaps between their snaggly teeth so wide it's a wonder the edible humans don't slip out between them. Characters will justify the creatures' unnatural behavior and really dumb designs with pretentious explanations ("She's been raised alone without social contact", or, "We designed the dinosaurs for entertainment", or, "They don't have dental insurance").
And yes, more amateur scientists will gripe and grump about it (c'est moi), nostalgia-nazis will complain that it's "ruining their childhood", and the damn thing will make a bazillion dollars in its first week.
I'm going to admit, I have just a smidge of sympathy for the producers of this mess: they're in a bit of a bind. Scientific progress and public expectations rarely add up when it comes to the most popular Terrible Lizards, and putting feathers all over cultural icons is box office suicide (or might not be, but damned if they're going to risk it). You also have the "animal entertainment" issue that dogs (pun intended) dog-and-pony shows: at the end of the day, they're just animals. And even the most terrifying animals - tigers, crocodiles, sharks, giant anacondas, spiders - spend most of their time not doing much of anything at all. In order to make them remotely interesting, you have to give them wings or rabies or something, or make them small enough to crawl into your orifices.
But the original Jurassic Park filmmakers (and Lost World...I think it's as good or better than JP, so shoot me) knew that the story wasn't really about the dinosaurs, per sé. To put it in Narrative 101 terms, the story was literally a "Man versus Nature" conflict. As such, the animals themselves were like tornadoes on the edge of a vast weather system: though their actions seemed random and chaotic, they were still limited and informed by the interweavings of biology, instinct, and competition (in the form of pesky humans). The humans in the story, in their hubris, expected to assemble a marketable commodity out of DNA Lego blocks; instead they resurrected a system that had disappeared from the earth and introduced it into a modern, alien environment. The result: chaos, and the attending "adjustments" to the system that generally didn't turn out well for the humans. The whole experience was couched in scientific terms, and if you read Michael Crichton's novel (which you should), you come to realize that the dinosaurs are merely toothy foils for a thought experiment centered around Chaos Theory. The dinosaurs of JP made the story memorable; but it was the science which gave the story depth and meaning.
Which brings us to Jurassic World. Much like Jurassic Park III before it, there's no Chaos Theory here at all - just chaos. The focus is on topping each of its previous spectacles with bigger, badder, and more ridiculous Hybridosaurs, and new species thrown in for no conceivable purpose other than to run down the Dinosaurs A-Z checklist and diversify the studio's merchandising portfolio. I'm expecting several more sequels after this one, probably up to Jurassic World XIII: Blue Goes to Hell*; the franchise will implode under its own weight, creating a black hole powered by money.
In terms of dinosaurs as storytelling, I think this will be a good thing. The ridiculousness of the JW franchise ultimately nullifies it. Jurassic Park so thoroughly dominated its genre that any story you wanted to tell featuring dinosaurs would be met with, "Oh, like Jurassic Park?" which sort of deflates the originality of your idea. Now, the field is open to re-introduce thoughtful and scientific media featuring our favorite Terrible Lizards. Not that these new stories will sell popcorn - we don't have anything like the narrative workhorse that is Indominus Rex, goodness no (sarcasm) - but I think there's plenty of drama and interest to be had here.
So by all means, go watch Jurassic World 2: The Revengering: Son of T Rex. I'll probably see it. But as soon as you're done, sit down and come up with a better dinosaur story. We all need it.
Rick Out.
*In which "Blue", the Alpha Velociraptor and Chris Pratt's unrequited love interest in Jurassic World, is sucked into an interdimensional space-rift (see Jurassic World XII: Jurassic Moon) and ends up in Dinosaur Hell, where she meets all her previous clones (see Jurassic World IV-XI) and the animatronic puppets of Carnosaur. Blue can speak now, of course - actually started around the midpoint of JWIII - and by this point is winking at the camera and appending her quips with "Bitch!" a la Freddy Kreuger.
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